Some of you know an old joke about coaching. "What's the perfect coaching job?" Coaching in an orphanage.
Parents make incredible sacrifices in time, money, travel, and emotion during their children's 'career arc'. Great sacrifices often are unrewarded with high performance and satisfaction.
In the old sci-fi television show, Star Trek, the Prime Directive of the Federation was never to interfere in the development of a less developed society. The Prime Directive of parenting is advocating for one's children. That can translate to "what is good for my child (playing time, role, and recognition) comes before the well-being of the team." That conflicts with the coach's job of putting the team first.
There no 'best way' to interact with parents, varying with the age of the player. Coaching young players, everything runs through the parents. No matter how hard a coach works to create value for teams, players, and the best "experience," some dissatisfaction is unavoidable.
Here are thoughts which did not arrive on stone tablets:
- "Never be a child's last coach."
- Always have 'hard conversations' with another adult in the room.
- Give and get feedback.
- Ask "what does it feel like to play for me?"
- Remember to praise publicly players who get less playing time.
- Deflect praise to others.
- Regularly emphasize teamwork.
- Figure out how much transparency is right for you. I sent emails on progress using the "sandwich technique" placing needs amidst strengths.
- Per Coach Brian Williams, "Playing is not a union job. Seniority cannot decide how we treat people."
- Never discuss a player's situation with another parent.
- Follow the '24 hour rule' in responding to criticism. An ML12 hoop coach (who has won three State Championships) got a phone call on the bench five minutes into the season asking why his son wasn't playing. The phone stayed off after that.
- Don't discuss strategy with parents. Strategy is the domain of the coach.
- Remember the words of Coach Bob Knight, "If you listen to the fans in the stands, soon you'll be up there sitting with them.
- All players are not equal. Hoop guru Herb Welling taught me, "When you get the "once in a lifetime" player, take care of her."
Carl Pierson’s The Politics of Coaching is a practical guide that addresses the non-technical challenges coaches face — particularly the interpersonal, political, and ethical dynamics of leading a team within a school or community context. Here are five top principles from the book:
**1. Relationships trump everything.
Success in coaching isn't just about X's and O's — it's about building trust and navigating relationships with athletes, parents, administrators, and fellow coaches. Pierson emphasizes proactive communication and transparency to prevent misunderstandings and diffuse potential conflicts.
**2. Document everything.
To protect yourself and your program, keep written records of important interactions — playing time decisions, discipline actions, parental conversations, and more. Documentation provides clarity and serves as a safeguard in case of disputes or accusations.
**3. Define and defend your program values.
A coach should establish a clear vision and value system (e.g., accountability, effort, respect) and reinforce it daily. When your standards are transparent and consistent, it’s easier to stand firm when challenged by parents or others pushing personal agendas.
**4. Be politically aware but principle-centered.
Coaches must understand the political landscape — who has influence, what motivates them, and how decisions are made. But Pierson warns against compromising your integrity or enabling unethical behavior just to appease power players. Influence should be navigated, not surrendered to.
**5. Support other coaches and build unity.
Pierson stresses that isolation breeds vulnerability. Coaches should collaborate across sports and levels, supporting each other against divisive pressures. A united coaching staff presents a stronger front to school administration and community stakeholders.
These principles aim to help coaches stay grounded, professional, and protected while fostering a positive and ethical team culture. Let me know if you'd like these framed as discussion questions or slides for staff development.
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