Life Rules: Guide to Hard Conversations

Everyone has hard conversations. Kim Scott reminds us that understanding begins at the listener's ear not the speaker's mouth. 

Having always coached girls, I believe in complete transparency... contact the players via the parents, open practices, open pre- and post-game conferences. Develop your own policy. 

1. "Anger can be a potent fuel but it does cloud the mind."- Sherlock Holmes in Elementary

Have a "24 Hour Rule." Widen the space between hard events and hard conversations. More time allows more clarity and more nuance. Remember Lincoln's "hot letters," never signed, never sent. 

2. "He said, she said." Always have hard conversations with another adult in the room. Narrow the gap between what is said and what gets said. 

3. Be specific. Accusing a player of a bad attitude or poor effort is serious. Share examples and suggest a path for improvement if the relationship is to continue. 

4. Get feedback. Sustainable competitive advantage follows "performance-focused, feedback-rich" culture. Effective communication doesn't have street signs. It flows both ways. 

5. "Never discuss another person's child with a parent." Our coaching contract is with each individual player. It is the infrequent parent who values the team first and can praise other players dispassionately while seeing the limitations of their own. Don't poke the bear. 

6. "Look for the helpers." - Fred Rogers  Sometimes an issue and a conversation are so daunting that we not only feel helpless, we are underpowered. While maintaining needed confidentiality, ask a trusted colleague for their thoughts. 

7. Remember the 'Prime Directive'. If parents don't advocate for their child, who will? The triad of "minutes, role, and recognition" underlie most dissatisfaction. 

8. Secret agent man. Agree to hear secrets only when willing to maintain them. 

9. Listening is an art. Listen for content, for context, and for ways to apply what we hear. Imagine a coach says, "would you consider using a matchup zone?" We could reflexively say, "No" or ask for more details about why the suggestion and for pros and cons. "LISTEN FOR IDEAS, AS WELL AS FACTS. Instead of getting lost in a string of disassociated fragments, make an effort to understand what the facts add up to by relating them to each other and seeing what key ideas bind them together."

10.Most big problems begin as small ones. See them and act to defuse or limit them. Assistants and team leaders are invaluable in helping us avoid blindspots. 

Hard conversations will be there as surely as there is always Pietra being robbed to pay Paula.

Lagniappe. Whenever possible, work out with a partner. Partner practice improves multiple people, builds camaraderie and competition. Get to the top ten percent of players and drag someone else with you.